People say I have a big heart. How about a big fragile heart that gets destroyed every day? Well, that's what I have and I'm somewhat sick of it. I fall for people too easily and then I'm crushed when they turn and walk away. I'm too good, too nice. I'm too gullible. I take to people too quickly with their masks on. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being like this. Can I change myself? The way I used to be before going clean? That's what I need, corruption and pain. Pain to make me turn into stone. Pain to make me trust people less than I already do since it is too great. I need to turn into that girl I was before I fell in love. I need to become the girl with the fuck-off attitude once again. I need that strength to not care about what anyone else thinks again. Where did that all go? Did it go where everything else goes? Away with the other person, just like my love, happiness, and oh-so-sweet drugs?
Happiness. What the hell is happiness anymore? Seriously? Does anyone know? Then give me a hint. Is it in the materials? In our possessions? I doubt it. I bet it's within someone else. Someone else is searching for the same thing and I just need to find them. They will complete me, they will give me my happiness that I deserve. I've served other people far too long for this shit. I've been too nice to other people to not be rewarded. I've always been there for people, then why aren't they there for me when I need them the most?
Drugs. Who said they were bad the first time you came to that age? Your parents? Your guardians, teachers, some adult? Well, if you die a drug virgin, not my fault. You just didn't know how to live. Everyone should try a little pot at least once. Or, become a grifter. A motherfucker who lives the way they want to. Become one and I'm damn sure that you'll either hate it or love it for life.
Breathe.
I'm okay. I'm fine. I can survive this. I still love everyone, I still am content with life. I will be a great person. I will find my reward.
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